I only made it halfway through Besser van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score – a book that explores how unprocessed trauma affects the body – but I didn’t need to finish the book to understand its message. My body chucks score cards at me on a regular basis, demanding my attention in one way or another, like a dysfunctional couple who’ve forgotten how to communicate any other way. Time and patience brought us to a sort of detente last fall and we’ve been coexisting somewhat peacefully for the last few months. Then . . .
Two weeks ago, a new friend asked me questions about my divorce that I hadn’t been asked in a couple of years. I caught myself digging my nails into my palms, trying to distract myself from crying (which never works, by the way) and began to feel ill. A few hours after that conversation, I had a pain in my side that took my breath away. All I could think about was Mr. van der Kolk’s book and berated myself on my drive home from work, convinced my unprocessed grief was making me physically ill.
I spent four days in pain before a CT scan finally revealed the true culprit: kidney stones. Laugh if you must, but I don’t believe my experiencing that level of emotional pain followed by an equivalent physical pain is a coincidence. Maybe that’s just what I need to believe to recommit to the hard work of healing. Who knows. Who cares?
The CT scan showed I have several other kidney stones, lying dormant for now. I was told they could always be dormant or they could try and move through my system any time. Apparently there’s nothing to do but wait. But I don’t have to wait to be blindsided by my grief again. I can begin to move that boulder through my system whenever I’m ready and be done with it. I know it’s going to hurt, but I also know the hurt will pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
Very important to process the grief, pain, and any trauma still residing, no matter how deeply buried. Right now it’s kidney stones, and I hope nothing else materializes. But I believe trauma and extended years of high stress contributed to (if not caused) my breast cancer.
Oh, Shelli, I agree. Here’s to better health for both of us!
Leah, how goes it with the stones (and pain)? Your wisdom in understanding the connection (or at least, I believe there’s a real connection) between your experiences the last few years and what’s going on in your body–and your willingness to write about it publicly–says to me that not only shall this time (and the stones) pass, but also that you’ll be watching for ways to help your body through any future “revolts.” That’s no comfort, I know. And still, you’re teaching, or reminding, the rest of us of the wholeness of our human bodily construction/creation.