I have a love-hate relationship with inspiration porn. Sometimes the words are so spot-on it’s comforting. Other times, it just pisses me off.

You’ll never convince me there’s a good reason for what I’m going through. It is what it is and will become what I make of it. But I will never romanticize it by assigning purpose to it. Purpose in spite of it, maybe.

Last night I welcomed a dear friend into the club that no one wants to join and today I found myself digging out from an emotional avalanche. I’ve been tiptoeing through a snow-covered mountain pass all week, trying not to disturb the 24-months-worth of white, fluffy pain that has accumulated since my husband left two Septembers ago. But my friend’s news resonated so deeply in me, it shook that mountain pass and down came the snow.

I woke up in the bed that still has the curve where my husband slept and wondered, what if this snow never stops falling? I’ve been treating this period of my life like something to endure, a season with an end or a storm that will pass, but what if this is just my new normal? That means my options are: build the muscles needed to keep digging myself out when the snow gets too deep or learn to carry the weight of my pain. Either way, I need to be stronger.

I attended my second-ever Pilates class today, with a friend who is strong in every way I aspire to be. I noticed, as we left, that my mind was quiet for that hour. I have a few other things in my life that help mask the constant noise in my head, but I’m always grateful to find one more.

Other things I’m grateful for today: that I can walk both ahead of and beside my friend who is just beginning her trek down the yellow brick road. That this avalanche is over and I can stop making myself small, in the hope that this anniversary won’t notice me. And that maybe my writing and sharing this might help someone else digging out from an emotional avalanche tonight.