“Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes.) – Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

There is a sadness in me that waxes and wanes, sometimes triggered by things like loss, instability, unwelcome change, and sometimes seeming to operate with a will of its own. Like the moon, whose cycles it mirrors, there are days when only a sliver of this sadness can be seen, but I’m always keenly aware of its remainder. I can feel its pull and know its pattern.

That being said, I know I am more than just this moon. On my best days I remember I am an entire solar system. I am large, I contain multitudes!

Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I understand that my ever-shifting moods can be confusing – deeply depressed one day, demonstrating grit and resilience the next. But what could be viewed as contradictions I now see as growth. My perspective is changing, as I learn to reframe the situations I’m living through, and I’ve decided I’d rather embrace and share that new perspective than worry I’m contradicting myself.

So, I share my deep anguish in one post and write about pumpkins and home repairs in the next. It’s my attempt at making something of it and normalizing this messy healing process. Everything feels a bit incongruous right now and the only way I know to make sense of that is to lay it all out, like the world’s largest jigsaw puzzle, and start looking for the edge pieces. I have no picture of what things will look like when I’m done, just a sense that somewhere, buried amid all these pieces, I’ll find myself. Meanwhile, I’m working this puzzle by the light of the moon.