Chasing Shadows

We’re just a week away from changing our clocks from Daylight Savings back to Standard Time and I’m already mentally preparing for the darkness. I’m asking neighbors to recommend sources for firewood, knowing my fireplace will help counter the cold, dreary evenings. I’m bringing out extra blankets and throw pillows, creating at least the illusion of coziness on my couch and in my bedroom. I’m buying light bulbs and vitamin D, aware that the loss of sunlight will take a toll.

I fight darkness of another kind year-round and am learning the things I need around me to battle that as well – people who need me, work that makes a difference, creative projects that serve a purpose, and something to look forward to. The sources of light in my life are inconsistent right now, which is a little worrisome as we approach the bleak midwinter. I feel like I spend most days chasing shadows, because I’m still struggling to find the light within me. I know it’s there (I wouldn’t have shadows without it), but sometimes I get tired of being my own light and long to bask in the glow of someone or something else.

I get what Rumi is saying (I think) and know the goal is always to be my own light, but I’m giving myself permission not to shine right now. Darkness is an essential component for growth, too. We rest best in darkness. Seeds begin their life in darkness. And light cannot be seen if there isn’t darkness around it. So, I will give darkness its turn – like the time change that’s coming, over which I have no control, the result of someone else’s choices that I simply must endure.

5 thoughts on “Chasing Shadows

  1. It’s okay not to shine all the time. The embers within are still there, just resting until they are ready to ignite again. I sense that light in you as you have been a light to me recently. Soak up the little lights of others for now, we’re here for you, even from afar.

  2. This one reminds me of Barbara Brown Taylor’s Learning to Walk in the Dark. Perhaps there is an element of fallow (resting) time that’s necessary right now, and it seems unending because you have no clue when greater light will shine. You know yourself well enough to do what you can on your end. I’m trusting, on your behalf, that there are seeds of creativity and joy—or at the very least, contentment—getting ready to sprout at the appropriate time. But they require the darkness to gather internal resources and strength for the hard work of pushing up through the soil. I’m trusting, too, that your kairos time is coming, in process, in preparation. In the meantime, keep “doing what you can with what you have.”

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