Identity Crisis

Tonight, my emotions taste like mint chocolate chip ice cream. Everyone’s asleep, so only you and I know I had that second helping. And you’re not here to judge, right?

Speaking of which, I’m curious: why are you here?

I’m having something of an identity crisis. I know what I want my blog to do,  just as I know who I want to be. What I don’t know is how to articulate that to anyone who doesn’t already know me. You know?

I’ve experienced this off and on throughout my life – the appeal of Leah is often lost on new acquaintances. My sense of humor, my pattern of speech, my cheers and jeers – all require some context, if they are to be understood, let alone appreciated. More than one supervisor has suggested that I pull my personality back a bit – play it straight – until people know me better.

Likewise, most of the roles I was cast in, from my days in theater, only came after directors got to know me (in other words, auditioning was never my strong suit). One example sounds like a play within a play. I auditioned, but wasn’t cast, and instead was asked to be stage manager. When one of the actresses continually missed rehearsals, they’d have me stand in and read the lines. Eventually, they fired her and cast me, and a star was born (cue music).

Then there are the jobs I got, not because I applied, but because they sought me. Invariably, someone on the search committee had met me in another context (and, obviously, got my sense of humor) and I came to mind when a position that fit my personality and skills came available.

These all make for great stories, but they don’t provide much help during an identity crisis. Besides, I’m starting to sound too much like a Disney princess, waiting for someone else to step in and save me. I know what I want. I want to embody all the Ms in my masthead – maker, mother, mentor, messenger, manager, motivator, me – but there’s got to be a shorter title, don’t you think?

I never fooled myself into thinking that my blogging would one day pay the bills. Instead, I created this blog as a way to help me figure out what might pay my bills in the future. An almost daily exercise in writing from one of my seven perspectives (Ms) seemed like something that might put some clay on my stick figure. But, at this point, neither I nor my .com are easily explained, unless you already know me, then I make all kinds of sense. Right?


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